2 days before D day

Welcome to the dark side. If you are allergic to whining, skip this post. I'm making myself vulnerable by transposing my yesterday's thoughts here and they are clearly not rational, or positive.

I didn't come to work yesterday. I was sick.

I'm not too sure what was wrong with me exactly but I couldn't sleep the night before and I've felt like crap all day long, trying to take naps in between my trips to the bathroom.

Not. Cool.

What made it even worse was the worry that came with it. If I keep throwing up and being sick, is it because I'm about to miscarry? If not, could it lead to a miscarriage?

11 weeks is an awful long period of waiting before you get a first medical consultation about your pregnancy. Only one word comes to mind: torture.

So yes, I was weak and could barely eat anything yesterday, and was extremely tired, and I'm guessing all of those combined with my newfound hormones have contributing to my first meltdown.

Meltdown or anxiety attack? Are they really that different? I can't tell what it was but I had a few good episodes of crying my heart out yesterday and couldn't see how I would be able to wait those 3 extra days until my first exam.

At the end of the day I had a nursery decorating chit chat with DF which really helped my mood. I went to bed at 9 pm. There it was: my first weird dream in a few weeks...

The stolen foetus

I don't remember the details of it but I was pregnant. Awfully pregnant and on the verge on giving birth. I remember that in this dream, there was a woman I know from work, who is higher than me on the food chain and who I had a small problem with a few months ago, but I've never felt completely confortable around her since. In my dream, that women was always around me and pressuring me to give birth already! She was so very impatient and I didn't know what it was all about. It left me with the general impression that I was carrying her child and she was dying to take it away from me once it is born. However, it's like nobody had told me that I was carrying her child instead of mine so I was very confused and scared as to why she wouldn't just leave me and my unborn child alone !!!

The aftermath

I still got up this morning, felling better than yesterday and hopefully worse than tomorrow, and went to work.

I was able to keep my food down and had no other meltdowns. I felt silly for having them yesterday too but I'm seriously not a patient girl and hate surprises especially when I know I have to wait a long time for them to unveil.

Guess what? That's my body telling me I'm not in control anymore and no matter how much I want to find out sooner that everything is alright, I have to play my body's game and follow its rules. Tough luck girl! You'll learn patience the hard way if that's what it takes.

Only 2 days before my exam now... It still looks like an eternity but 2 days is more pleasant to the ear than 3.


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